The User's Guide and Manual for your IRIS WEST unit
by Death By Verbicide
Summary: Central City, Inc. is now selling life-sized, fully functional IRIS WEST units! Please note that this product is provided without warranties or refunds. User discretion is advised. Follow all instructions to maximize enjoyment of your IRIS WEST unit!


**The Official User's Guide and Manual for:**

 **The IRIS WEST Unit**

 **Manufactured by CENTRAL CITY INC.**

Congratulations! You are the proud owner of a brand new, life-size and fully functional IRIS WEST unit! Please follow all specifications below to maximize your enjoyment of the IRIS WEST unit!

 **Product Liability Disclaimer:** Central City Inc. accepts no responsibility for any limitless amount of happiness caused by the IRIS WEST unit. Please note that this product is provided without warranties or refunds. Please be warned that your IRIS WEST unit may punch you in the face if you attempt to kidnap her, and that the BARRY ALLEN unit, the JOE WEST unit, and/or WALLY WEST unit (or a combination of the three) may attempt to snap your neck if you try to hurt her. User discretion is advised.

 **Technical Specifications:**

Name: Iris Anne West

Aliases: Iris West, Iris, "Bae", Mrs. West-Allen, Mrs. Allen, Big Sis, Mom*

Gender: Female

Height: 5'4

Weight: 115 lbs

Race: African-American

Eye color: Brown

Hair color: Brownish black

Notable Features: Everything about her. She's beauty incarnate. Perfect 24/7. Beyoncé Knowles has confessed that the song "Flawless" was indeed based on Candice Patton's portrayal of the character.

Affiliations: Central City Picture News, Jitters (former), West Family, Allen Family, STAR Labs (in secret)

Resident of: Central City

 **Accessories:**

1 intelligent brain

1 MacBook

Several sets of uniquely styled couture clothing that may as well have come off of a runway

1 Glock pistol (given to her by the JOE WEST unit)

1 Younger Brother (sold separately)

1 Caffeine Addiction

 **Programming:**

Your IRIS WEST unit will arrive programmed with five general functions:

Barista: Science can explain in full detail why her excellently brewed lattes perk you up in the morning. However, science fails to explain why her smile does it better. (We're looking at you, BARRY ALLEN unit)

Blogger/Investigative Journalist: "With these eyes and this smile, I've got connections everywhere!" And it's true! The woman has a sharp prose when it comes to cracking the toughest cases, be it the latest heist by the Rogues, a secret underground drug cartel, or even that mysterious Red Streak tearing through the city! Her unmatched determination, intelligence, and sense of bravery easily warrant her a true hero, rather than a dimwitted damsel in distress! With that kind of attitude, we all know Joe forbade her from becoming a cop to keep her safe, because if there's trouble abound, you can bet the IRIS WEST unit is on the case! **Warning:** Please be advised that your IRIS WEST unit is unstoppable and relentless when it comes to hunting people down, including criminals and thugs! Please have your BARRY ALLEN unit and/or WALLY WEST units ready to catch/save her, should she need to jump out of a building or dodge bullets, per se.

Friend: Want someone down to earth and funny to hang out with? Someone who loves movies and mint-chip ice cream? Or someone you can confide and turn to in your time of distress? Someone who loves star-gazing and will stay awake all night with you, just talking and engaging in deep conversations? If so, the IRIS WEST unit is the perfect option for you, with her kind, warm demeanor and her loving, open personality! **Disclaimer:** Central City Inc. is not responsible for any heartbreak that occurs when involved in a friendship with the IRIS WEST unit. Please be advised that if you wish to make more of your friendship with the IRIS WEST unit, you ought to tell her and be up front about it, rather than harbor your feelings and be miserable for the next 13-15 years of your life should you be forced into a situation where you are now sharing a home and childhood with her. Please be advised that it may not be a good idea to confess your feelings to IRIS WEST while she is in another relationship, and that it is not wise to rushedly admit your feelings to her if she has not developed the same feelings for you yet, if she had done so in an alternate timeline. (1x16, anyone?)

Sidekick: Do you need a rebellious sidekick who can guide you and keep motivated while you're on your missions? Someone with a cool, clear head when they're on the other line of the comms? Switching your IRIS WEST unit to her SIDEKICK function will get you what you need, and help you keep the city safer!

GIRLFRIEND/FIANCEE: Did you finally manage to win the IRIS WEST unit over, after years of endless pining? Did you learn what truly matters in life, after several wreckages to the timelines? Do you swear to protect those you love for all of eternity? If so, you may finally be mature enough to have IRIS WEST be your girlfriend! **Note:** Central City Inc. is not responsible for the JOE WEST unit walking in on you during heated make-out sessions. You are forewarned that the JOE WEST unit will not tolerate public displays of affection with his daughter, especially if you are the EDDIE THAWNE unit.

 **Frequently Asked Questions:**

Q: Help! My IRIS WEST unit has just gone missing! What should I do?

A: Your IRIS WEST unit is in Blogger/Investigative Journalist, Sidekick, or Girlfriend mode! Her kidnapping is most likely due to her connections to the Flash, the Kid Flash, or the CCPD! Contact the BARRY ALLEN unit, the WALLY WEST unit, or the JOE WEST units right away! You may also wish to contact CAITLIN SNOW, CISCO RAMON, or a variation of HARRISON WELLS. They will gladly help you!

Q: My IRIS WEST unit just died at the hands of Zoom! He put his speeding hand through her skull! She won't wake up!

A: Your unit has just died. Click on FIONA WEBB if you would like a new Girlfriend/Fiancee.

Q: My unit is angry.

A: Please be more specific. IRIS WEST could be angry for a number of reasons. Check to make sure that you did not accidentally kidnap one of her friends or family members. Or that you did not lie to her about her mother being alive. Please note that she could also be angry because an angry orange billionaire bigot has become the new President-elect of the United States, and a certain boyfriend of hers refuses to go back to change the timeline.

Q: I can't find my coffee anywhere? I'm pretty sure I ordered some this morning...

A: Your IRIS WEST is programmed with an irreversible coffee addiction. Please mark your coffee cup with your name so ownership is evident, or it's finders keepers.

Q: My IRIS WEST unit has icy blue eyes, and keeps glaring at me! She has icicles and snowy frost forming at her fingertips! Now, the air is so cold, I'm scared I'll die of hypothermia! Is there anything I can do?

A: You have accidentally ordered a defective CAITLIN SNOW unit, and have engaged her while she is in Killer Frost mode, programmed by Dr. Alchemy inc, a subsidiary of Central City inc! Please return her immediately if you do not wish to keep it. Several products from our Dr. Alchemy line are incredibly dangerous, and unstable.

 **Troubleshooting:**

My unit won't keep her hands off of my fries?

 _Unfortunately, Central City inc. cannot help you with this. The IRIS WEST unit is designed to love fries._

My IRIS WEST unit runs a blog about me, and always tries to get a one-on-one interview with me! What do I do?

 _Hmm... If you are a superhero, then try to cautiously explain to her that her engaging with you is dangerous, as you have many enemies who will not hesitate to use your close ones as hostages. If you are not a superhero, then let her have the interview, and stop being so rude to her, dang it._

I just bought a WALLY WEST unit, and he won't stop arguing with my IRIS WEST! He keeps running away from her!

 _Please look into the User's Guide and Manual for the WALLY WEST unit for further instruction, or consider buying a JOE WEST unit to play peacekeeper._

I'm very sad, and wished I had someone to talk to. My life feels like a wreck and I don't know what to do...

 _Switch your IRIS WEST unit to Friend mode, and tell her what's wrong! She's very trustworthy and will try to help in any way she can, no matter what the problem is!_

My IRIS WEST unit refuses to answer my questions about the Flash's secret identity! I'm trying to threaten her, but she won't give in!

 _Your IRIS WEST unit will not reveal the Flash's secret identity, no matter what. Please note that BARRY ALLEN, WALLY WEST, and JOE WEST do not take kindly to you threatening IRIS WEST. We advise you start praying that they show you mercy._

My IRIS WEST is pointing a gun at me? Did I do something wrong?

 _You may have accidentally ordered the Earth-2 DETECTIVE IRIS WEST variation! Earth 2 Iris is a bad-ass cop who won't tolerate nonsense from no-good idiots!_

* Mom: Please note that the IRIS WEST unit will not respond or take well to being called "Mom" or "Mother" if she did not give birth to you/adopt you. This alias/name is reserved only for her children, most notably the TORNADO TWINS. Central City inc. has not yet developed the TORNADO TWINS yet. Click on FAQ's for more details.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment on your way out with your thoughts!**

 **(And I made this with permission from TheSnowyHunter. Check out her UGAMS - they're pretty funny!)**

 **See you around!**

 **\- DBV**


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